It’s Hard to Get Back on Track Once You Slack Off

For the past two or three weeks, I’ve been slacking on updating my blog.

Well, “slacking” might not be the right word. Ever since I developed adjustment disorder, everything I do feels exhausting, so even summoning the motivation to do something takes a lot of effort.

(I quit my job three months ago because of adjustment disorder.)

At the beginning, though, I was still pushing myself to write, even when my head and body felt heavy and drained. I think, deep down, I genuinely enjoyed putting my thoughts into words and sharing them.

But the moment it starts to feel like an obligation, it suddenly becomes painful.
As soon as I think, “I have to do this,” my motivation plummets.

And once I tell myself, “Not today,” it turns into the next day, and the next.
A perfect negative spiral.

Still, I think it’s normal for creative work to have rhythms like this.
Right now, I’m in a motivation drought. If I become careless and give up, everything might start to feel pointless — so I don’t want to completely let go.

Lately, since I quit my job and have no set schedule, my days have looked like this: eat breakfast, go back to sleep, watch YouTube, scroll endlessly.
But even watching YouTube all day eventually starts to feel empty.

By the way, my average daily smartphone usage this week was over 13 hours.
That basically means I’m on my phone almost all the time except when I’m sleeping or taking a bath. Well, sometimes I fall asleep with YouTube playing or just listen to audio, so it’s not like I’m actively staring at it 24/7 — but still, 13 hours is pretty bad. I’m fully immersed in smartphone addiction.

I used to have a simple goal: write 100 blog posts. I wrote every day — about Japanese society, random thoughts, anything that came to mind.

But now, monetizing through just a blog feels tough. So I’ve tried making YouTube videos, posting on Substack, experimenting with different things. Maybe that’s fine when you’re feeling well. But when you’re not, trying to do everything at once makes you unable to do even one thing properly.

Even deciding what to do feels exhausting and overwhelming.
Now I really understand why Steve Jobs wore the same black turtleneck every day to reduce decision-making. It makes perfect sense.

I do want to keep updating Substack and YouTube. Even small reactions make me happy, so the motivation is there.
But I guess that only works when I’m feeling relatively okay.

People often say that those who develop mental health issues tend to push themselves too hard. I think that’s probably true.

Even though it’s “just” adjustment disorder, I still feel guilty for not doing anything — especially with blogging. When you’re just starting out, even a short pause can make your readership drop quickly.

So part of me wants to push myself and keep updating everything. But I’m also aware that pushing too hard could worsen my symptoms.

I want something to go viral soon.
At the same time, I know pushing myself hard in the middle of adjustment disorder isn’t wise.

But just endlessly watching YouTube gets boring too.

It’s complicated. 😓